Good New Year
“I thought it was ‘If a body catch a body,’” I said. “Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some games in this big frield of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around – nobody big, I mean- except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over – I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be. I know it’s crazy.”
(Salinger, 224-225)
The above quotation comes from Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye; it is pinnacle to understanding the protagonist’s (Holden Caulfield, for those who have forgot) problem in life. He dreams of doing something that even Superman isn’t able to do- save everyone. Even though Holden says (twice) ‘I know it’s crazy’, I personally think it’s kind of innocent. He wants to be there for people.
What Holden doesn’t realize is that by living his life that way so much is lost. He is lonely. He is standing there on the edge, and has no use unless someone is almost in trouble. Yet, who is looking out for him when he is peering over the edge? Holden’s dream isn’t crazy or pathetic, but the outcome of it is.
I have lived my life a lot like Holden (intensely more, with the drinking and rescuing in the past year.) And I didn’t realize how much potential I wasted, or how much energy I felt drained from my body. Except I did. And I do now. And I resorting to speaking not like an intellect but like an emotional human being who does not live on an island by himself. The New Year’s Eve is always an emotional time for me; in those 10 seconds of the ball drop countdown, often I feel like I am counting down every event or month, flashbacking towards the future- each breath a rapid gesture turning through the year’s emotional calendar until the buzz of some noise maker? Supposedly in that one second every thing is supposed to be washed cleaned? Am I supposed to manifest some power to do something that I couldn’t do before, and take the reins of my life? Just like that?
’08 was tough on me in all aspects. I won’t go into rugged details but in all aspects, both mental and physical, it was so hard to push on and go sit in the rye, or work on making sure people stay clear of it. I’ve stopped saying “Happy New Year” in exchange for “Good New Year” because happy isn’t necessarily the same and good and vice versa. When I say ‘Good New Year’ I am hoping for the best of things, and that when the year starts sprinting unto the end people can think ‘While I was not “Happy” at least I was well.”
Because I was not. I didn’t just burn the candle. There are no cute little euphemism to explain the sheer hell of things such as an exploding stove, a homophobic landlord, alienation while still working towards the betterment of something far beyond myself. And I sat in the rye, and rescued others because I always have wanted to be there- but not just as a safety or because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I was not well, and quite often every moment that I needed that little bit of sunshine, it missed me, and my umbrella was out on loan. Early last fall, I mentioned to someone who was going through a problem “To have a friend, you must be a friend.” I can’t recall who said the quote, but I feel like I have upheld my end of the bargain, even gave more substantial savings than I should have, and yet here I sit somewhat seething.
I’m going to have a good year, and if I’m sitting in the rye by myself what different will it be from what I’m doing right now? Structurally my life has to change. There are things that I can do, and things that I can’t- we all have such, but I don’t think that I will be able to put myself out there in the way that I did, because all it does is leave me down. I’m going to have a good year, I know it’s crazy but I’m going to figure it out.
