That Place

“There might have been a time when I would give myself away/Oh, once upon a time I may have given a damn/but now here we are…so whataya want from me?” (PINK not Adam Lambert)

On the topic of a building at my alma mater high being built that addresses all the inefficiencies or all the deficiencies in the building when I attended there?

“Whataya want from me” because I have student loans and dreams and other things to pay for that do not include child support, satellite tv, or steak dinners. I wish it did (even the kid ugh I’m a parent when I get lonely) but it doesn’t. I don’t understand how a teacher that coordinated a program for advance placement of children at an already gifted and talented school for middle and school children gets credit.  Yes…she died from cancer.  But so what the fuck what?  Other teachers from the school that have not directly touched my life more than she but that I look at with a fondness go unnamed?  Memorial?  Shenanigans.   Gifted and talented?  Apply some logic. I understand that some buildings get named but why does she get to go unnamed when other people go unlisted?

Cancer is a problem.  On the day to day (ie daily basis) I have dealt or have seen people afflicted.  As a human being I have known pain.  I do not in any way discount that she may have suffered; I take offense at the dedication of a building without the consent or the will of the general population.   French, Spanish (and teleconference Italian) where the Foreign Language options offered, so I conjecture was there a vote?  Why isn’t it the  (insert school name) memorial high school.  Most buildings named in these days in memory of something are in dedication for someone who lived or died champion a cause that is associated with their name.  She lived her life as a teacher, and died as a teacher.  In my case, quite often it felt as if there were more than separate things, and I know that I attended that school to learn.  Maybe it might be an issue I have with the school (that particular institution of teachers and the application of polices) that bogs me down.  I seriously have an attitude problem with remembrances named and representing someone that I don’t find exceptional or amazing in the time frame.  The weird thing is that I can remember one or two events happening around her (actually only one) and in that event I don’t think she shined or showed exceptional or an extraordinaire ability for compassion.

I speak to this as a person who (strives) to be an educator that excels.  In my heart of heart, if I died tomorrow I would like my (former) students to look at me with fondness and ferocity that when or if the time came to argue that I receive (deserve or) a building in my name that they more than establish a reason for my remembrance and that they base it not on what I’ve done but rather by how I treated other people (or how other people) on their periphery can remember me.

The sad thing is…that my dissent is not bitterness but sounds like it.  But in the years I spent in that building or the days lettered BDF any memory I have of this person now so remembered as if she was more than a teacher (which is tough as it) but as a metahuman.  Seriously fight with me because I need to know how she was Superhero when I myself and in my own particular experience have dealt with people in that eight year time constraint that said “Ca va?”  (how are you?) and actually tried to mean it.   I am sorry, or apathetic to the hows and whys she has died, really I am, but in my own heart of hearts, I know what type of teacher I’ve tried to be…even when just subbing.  I know that when the time comes for me to be judge that my name could stand up or will fail…So I ask…Seriously, why her?  Why not someone else?  I’m not championing them either (which is why I didn’t even name names because I don’t believe that some of those people who were there were actually present to my own specific needs or wants.)  but why her?  Why not a spanish teacher? Your favorite  English or science teacher?  Again, the things she may (or may not have) inspired in regards to the advancement of the IB (International Baccalaureate) program for the school have nothing to do with me (or any given number of students) there sitting her regular ole regents class before Regents went all normal (not IB but still harder than standard Regents) for today’s children.

I know any amount of people suffering from ailments or who have died?  Why not the car crash victim who went to the school?  Why not the teacher who told me my zipper was down 5th period after gym but before 6th period class?  Why not the English teacher who let a friend pass because he believed she had a chance?  Convince me.  She died and I regret being informed of how.  In a culture of so called “gifted and talented” I don’t have one memory of feeling either from her, and there are in my own particular mind others who do deserve it, even though I see no reason why the building wasn’t just left to burn to the ground in 1914. Convince me.

Pass this on if you do or don’t feel me.

[CK]